After recently returning home from University, I found myself looking forward to sitting down and watching a fair bit of television this Christmas. I rarely watch television at Uni, well I stare at the television, but its almost definitely always on Sky Sports News, which is just tables and graphs and information on how many Man Utd defenders are injured. So with it being a while, I thought I might branch out, give good old terrestrial a go.
On arriving home, I opened the very special, iconic Radio Times to find the pages of great films and great television that I can remember being there when I was a kid had been removed and replaced by utter excrement. Probably human. Probably some big brother, on skates, in the jungle 'celeb' that got paid to fill up this tv 'guide' with his own crap. Thats how it read anyway.
So here are my christmas shitelights.
The Nolans: In the Mood for Dancing (8pm ITV1)
Yes lets welcome back the Nolans. Yes, its been four long, arduous years since they decided to call it a day so it's about time for the reunion. Coleen's got some new lyrics, yep you know the ad's. No silly, the songs from the Icleland ad's about cheesecake. not her fitness dvd, the cheesecake one.
Jason Donavon must be thinking what the hell happened to Kylie.
After the success of Coleens 'slot' on Loose women it seems the other sisters want to cash in. They all want to be able to voice, their so valid opinions, just like Coleen, on issues like the state of the country and maybe within the same episode admit they have made a sex tape.
Celebrity Shock List 2009 (9pm Channel 5)
Countdown of the year's headline-grabbing celebrity incidents, featuring the likes of Katie Price and Peter Andre, Madonna and Kerry Katona. Fantastic. On the eve of what is supposedly Jesus' birth and what with Santa's visit immanent, Five produce this golden turd. This gives us a chance to read all the crap we've read again but this time with more insight. Expect aload of pointlessly employed people (Sharon Marshall) rabbiting on about people they have never met, but idolise, but also seem to love their very downfall.
Quickly followed by
Simon Cowell: Where Did It All Go Right? (11pm Channel 5)
Yes after over two hours of celeb bashing prior to this, Five feel the need to make sure to EVERYONE watching knows that its safe to stick our heads back up, and firmly into the celeb's arse's. This is a profile of the man with comments from numerous celebrities, also sticking there own ego-filled heads up Simon Cowell's already overflowing egotistical anus.
Slither (12am Channel 4)
A Channel 4 Premiere where "a meteorite crashes in a small rural town, infecting a local man with a virus that mutates him into a flesh-eating monster. The creature promptly spawns a swarm of alien parasites, which take over their victims and transform them into bloodthirsty zombies." Sounds fairly similar to what's on Five does it not ?
All abit too festive for me
About A Boy (5pm ITV2)
If you missed this twice already this week on the same channel. Yes, great consistency from ITV2, 'if we put it on that much they will surely have to watch Hugh (The Typecast) Grant's soppy and pathetic portrayal of an 'english gent'.
Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special (7pm BBC1)
They-can't-seem-to-fit-anymore-words-in-there-can-they ? So they have dropped the vulgar word 'celebrity'. Hurrah. But alas, sadly every still knows the score. I just want this programme to die.Even the 'professional dancers' have become famous. Take that knob Brendan Cole. Over 60 Celebrities have taken part over 5 years. Depressingly Astonishing. Why O Why ?
Katie: My Beautiful Face (8pm Channel 4)
I imagine around 8pm I will start getting a bit peckish again after my Christmas dinner, so I'm glad Channel 4 have deemed it necessary to show the story of '24-year-old model and budding TV presenter' Katie Piper around now.The programme documents how Katie became the victim of an acid attack that disfigured her face. Is it just me or this programme not really right for Christmas day.
Prime time enjoyment eh ?
Apolgies for the rant. I could just not watch any TV i suppose but I think I'm more angered at the fact people will watch these shows.
By the way, I am on 'The Grumpy Guide to Christmas' on Christmas Eve with fellow mardy arse Bobby Davro.
I'll have some work up soon and what with nothing on the box I should get a fair bit done.